I smoke because I feel like everything I do and say is a lie. Like im living a lie. I feel like im not good enough to live. I feel like im good for nothing. Like all I do is cause problems. I smoke because at night thoughts start to fill my head. Thoughts that no one should ever have to think. It’s hard for me to explain but I feel so hopeless, like no one understands. No one understands me. I don’t even understand myself. Why I act out and do stupid things. Maybe it’s a cry for help. But I don’t know. At night its so hard for me to sleep with all of these thoughts running through my head. I ant seem to get them to go away. I think about how I could die and why it would be beneficial. Why I am who I am. Im constantly wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. All I do is cause problems and im not worth what people say I am. People try to help and understand me but no one really can comprehend me. In this world in which im living no one can seem to stand me. People I tell my story often find it depressing others sometimes say they can help. No one ever helps me. I cant help myself. I just need someone to truly understand and know my pain. To know what I have to go through each night just before falling asleep. All the wishes, regrets, wants, and needs, None of them will ever be able to satisfy me. This life we live is pointless. I serve no purpose and if you really want to get to know me then have fun trying because I don’t even know my own self. And I probably never will. As I said before I often find myself thinking about my death and how simple it could be to just pull a trigger to my head. I know people would be devastated but my thought is that the world would be a better place maybe without me. Because all I do is seem to get myself into trouble and cause problems to others. All I am is a menace to society. This fucked up society. Where everyone sees you differently. Where everyone in this society needs to live up to the rest of the societies needs, and if you don’t fit in you’re crazy. That’s where I come in. I don’t fit in. Im not like anyone else it seems. I can never be honest with myself. I can never be honest to others. So here I am writing this hoping someone could understand my pain. I don’t think ill be able to take it much longer. The anger,regret,wishing,crying,disparity,depression,insomnia, just everything is driving me crazy. I feel like im bipolar and there’s no one that can help me. Im probably on my own and if so then im not going to make it. The only thing that seems to be keeping me alive and actually helps calm me and think straight is marijuana. Which no one believes. It is an escape yes. But it also clears my mind of all those thoughts, and actually opens my mind into thinking positive, thinking about how wonderful and exciting life can be. It makes me feel like I can change and that anything is possible. But I cant tell this to anyone. They think im crazy. They’ll think that im just another stupid teen who likes to get high and likes to get fucked up. Like I said no one will understand me. But it really does help believe it or not. I don’t do it to get high, for the feeling of euphoria. I do it because like I said earlier it helps! It really does help but no matter what I say no one is going to believe it. No matter how good my argument someone is going to deny it. No matter how much it really is benefiting me, no matter how much it helps me concentrate, focus, and just take a deep breath to calm down… I guarantee when I show this to the people im about to show this too. They won’t truly care. They’ll just want me to stop using marijuana.. the only thing keeping me here right now, the only thing that helps me thinks and stay positive about living life, it is the only thing that helps me understand myself, and the things I do. It opens up my mind and has me wanting to learn, wanting to take the time and do things properly, wanting to do work, wanting to live on this earth. There’s been something missing from my life for what seems like forever but only now am I starting to put my finger on what it could be. Scrap that, I know exactly what I need in my life but society says no. That and I’m absolutely terrified of doing what I need to do to get it. This is what I feel like… Like im apologizing to the world, to everyone constantly. Like I cant do anything right. Don’t tell me that I’m just being subjective or focusing on the negative because I have proof. Well not concrete evidence, but experience. I want to know why are people so unsympathetic? Fake? Closeminded? Egotistical?
An example, one Justin Beiber fan got shot and a group of guys made fun of it. I was disgusted and appalled that they think they’re justified in doing that just because someone prefers a different musical style from them. Admittedly,I don’t prefer Justin’s music for the most part. I understand it’s a legitimate music style some others prefer. But I don’t go around condemning others for liking it or even worse, laughing at someone who lost his/her life just because he/she was a fan.
Another example, so many people around me try so hard to make every little thing “perfect” in every single conversation they have with someone instead of just being themselves. It’s like it’s always work and all fake play. There can never a moment of genuity where you are smiling because you’re genuinely smiling, not because you think you should smile to make someone like you. Get what I’m saying?
Gosh. Why are people so fucked up? I’m getting tired of living a World with so many fucked up, immature people. I wish people would stand up for what’s right, be themselves, be kind, accept others divergent beliefs and opinions (doesn’t mean you have to accommodate yours, just accept others, no hate) why does life seem to be all about how much money you have? how come u cant enjoy life, learning and discovering things about yourself, sharing with people, and loving one another? Why do you have to 1up another person to make yourself feel happy?
why are there people influencing us to make decisions that will ultimately make them rich? I mean really large companies are creating items while working with psychologist and marketers, hoping to keep you dumb enough to buy their product. how come people arent more focused on reaching high academic heights? The world would be a better place.
Why are we still fighting over man-made religion? We know that humans created religion out of ignorance and geology…is it because it keeps the average man in a box? IS he easier to rule and control?
How come people are dying of AIDS and How come people are still poor? I mean Africa is one of the hottest places on Earth…you’d think they’d have the best Solar energy developement of the world. Instead…people are still dying of low energy. their isnt enough energy to power homes and hosptal?
There are large cities in Africa…that just let some of their people stave and die?…why?
Why are we facing a nuclear situation in life that makes us smile in the face of our enemies? The arms race will only destroy us in the end. Truth be told…we as a Human populist are at a stage in our cicilization that we should know how to be perpetually/significantly more happier than we are now. We possess the smarts and human know how. We possess the technology and man power…but we are stuck in a world were people are keeping us dumb because they need money. why?
- Me: I wanna die
- Society: freak!!!!
- Me: I wanna live
- Society: wimp!!!!
- Me: I cut
- Society: ugh attention whore
- Me: some one save me
- Society: you're a wast of time
- Me: "dead" ( suicide )
- Society: oh he was so perfect why did he have to go we all loved him we all cared